you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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