saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
