I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's shark week go big or go home
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
