I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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