Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
