every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
