3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
