I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
