JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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