I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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