I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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