she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
