I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
