I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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