I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
