Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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