ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
