I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
