my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
