did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
