the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
