I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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