i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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