what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
this is an emotional support booty call
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
