I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
