I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
