Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
