he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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