Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
