Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
