Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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