I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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