If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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