I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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