Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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