Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
