Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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