I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
