i already hear my dad disowning me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
