Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
