Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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