i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
