someone threw a dead crab at me
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
