her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
