i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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