So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
