am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
