I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
