i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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