I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
